Today I had to call Viking to get clarification about a trip we have scheduled. The young man that I spoke with, Derrick, was very knowledgeable and answered all my questions to my satisfaction.
As we were ending the call, he asked “Is there anything else I can help you with?” I said, “Yes…the laundry!”
Derrick laughed that little laugh people laugh when they don’t know whether you’re serious or not…
…and then he probably made a little notation in my file.
Whose idea was it to put an “s” in the word LISP??!!??
When we lived in North Carolina, we would attend “Dessert with the Doc” seminars, given by local doctors on a wide range of medical topics. One time, the topic was “Your Poo and You.” Honestly, the doctor that gave the seminar could have been a stand up comedian. But then again, the subject matter was pretty conducive to jokes.
We laughed our way through some of the highlights of the topics he addressed: “hanging chads”, “the Hershey squirts”, “racing stripes in the toilet” and “floaters vs sinkers”.
And he could hardly keep a straight face, during the question and answer period, when a lady in the audience confessed she was plagued with gas whenever she flew in an airplane and questioned the doc about what she should do about it.
“Encourage fellow travelers not to sit near you would be my first advice,” he said barely able to get out the words. And then he offered another pearl of wisdom.
“There is a new product on the market,” he sputtered. “They’re called…” (stopping to wipe the tears from his eyes from his laughter ) “Farty Pants,” he finally blurted out.
It seems that people who have a flatulence problem need not be embarrassed anymore. They can buy Farty Pants, underpants that have a charcoal liner embedded in the crotch that renders harmless the noxious gases emanating from a person’s bowels. And no one is the wiser except the wearer.
The underwear makers swear they work…and the liners last for a few weeks. They are washable…but the company advises that the occupant not use them in a hot tub or swimming pool. (Personally, I think someone who has this problem shouldn’t be in a hot tub or a swimming pool in the first place. The bubbles could give them away!)
After the hour of laughter, we were asked to write down our thoughts and comments on the doctor’s presentation and how effectively he gave enlightenment on the subject.
I wrote “He was POOsitively wonderful!!!”
We were putting away all of the decorations from Christmas when suddenly…we heard a loud crash.
It seems that Pedro the Christmas turkey, (who does a nice rendition of Feliz Navidad), distraught that Christmas was over, flung himself from the shelf where he was perched all through the holidays, and had a temper tantrum.
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| I won’t go back in the box! |
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| I’m not listening!
I SAID NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! |
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| Well, alright. But only if I can take some leftover candy canes with me. And some rum balls. And that cute little angel on the top of the tree. |
You can’t make this stuff up, folks.
The word “awesomeness”, which isn’t a word according to the dictionary, absolutely should be.
The word does appear in the Urban Dictionary…and let’s not forget, I did come from Queens, NY so that’s probably where I picked it up. Those streets in South Ozone Park can be rough and some of the language…whoa!!
Anyway, it might not be a bona fide word according to Merriam-Webster, but I think it should be. The awesomeness of a sunset….the awesomeness of witnessing a birth….the awesomeness of my kids and grandkids….the awesomeness of the Grand Canyon…the awesomeness of God.
New words are being added to the Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary as I type this. So one has to ask… how DOES a new word get into the dictionary? The answer is simple: USAGE! Apparently the editors of the dictionary read all kinds of publications – books, magazines, news articles – searching for contemporary words. Once a potential word is found, it is stored in the computer system as a “citation”. The word makes the jump from the citation area to the dictionary by having enough citations to show it is widely used. According to John Morse, president of the Springfield, Massachusetts based dictionary publisher, “A word has to be more than a flash-in-the-pan. It has to have staying power”.
This year, some new words that made it to Merriam-Webster so far this year are magnetic fishing, dawn chorus, sponcon, yeet, yanky, and adorkable (awwww…).
So here’s the deal. Start using the word “awesomeness” in your everyday interactions with people. Maybe in the year 2030 it will make it to the pages of the Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary.
And in actuality, “awesomeness” is used in an article by Umair Hague from Harvard Business Publishing, a subsidiary of Harvard University, entitled “The Awesomeness Manifesto” written September 16, 2009. If I didn’t know any better, I would have guessed that Mr. Hague was referring to my blog!!
The women from Gotopless.org decided that men shouldn’t be the only ones allowed to strut their bare chests and have all the fun. So they staged a nationwide demonstration a few years ago for the right to go topless….and their bosom buddies from Asheville, North Carolina were right there joining the protest and proudly baring their breasts. “It isn’t against the law in North Carolina for women to walk around topless since the law only bans indecent exposure from the waist down,” said Wally Welch, a spokesperson for the Asheville police.
Livienne Love (really???? Livienne Love???), the local protest organizer was quoted as saying, “We just want to raise awareness about this inequality”.
The event planning committee, however, didn’t take into account that the Gateway Christian Community Church would be holding their Sunday services at the same time the topless demonstration was to take place. “They’ll be some distance apart,” said Jon Fillman, the city’s outdoor special events coordinator. And a spokesperson from the church added that if necessary, “they’ll completely turn their event so they’re facing the other direction.”
Wouldn’t it be a hooter (pun intended) if the Bible reading today was from Psalms 119…”Open thou mine eyes, that I may behold wondrous things…” And, if it wasn’t, you can bet your sweet cupcakes those Christian men were on their knees praying it!!
Today the phone rang and my caller ID said “Dr. Chuck Noonan”. I don’t know any doctor named Chuck Noonan, but since I had just been for some routine lab tests, I answered, thinking it might be someone from the lab.
I picked up the phone and a cheerful voice announced “Dr. Chuck Noonan calling!”
When I didn’t answer right away he went on to say…”Uh..the veterinarian!”
It is always tempting to mess with a wrong number caller and say something rather glib…but I never do.
I should have said, “Are you located next door to the taxidermist? Because either way…I’d get my parrot back!”
I’m just saying…
When we lived in North Carolina, we decided we wanted to clean our rugs…but didn’t want to borrow a rug cleaning machine from the food store. Visions of roaches and bedbugs lurking inside the holding tank of a rented machine convinced me to wait until we were back in Connecticut and could bring our own rug cleaner back.
It’s amazing how quickly you throw all cares to the wind and sprint to the food store to pick up whatever freakin’ rug cleaning machine that might be available…bed bugs be damned…when a full glass of red wine spills all over your beige carpet!! It was a good thing that it was me who spilled the wine instead of a guest…because when a guest spills something, you always just stand there nonchalantly, smile sweetly and say, “No worries. We’ll just mop that up in a jiffy!”…when you really want to scream, “Holy Mother of God…where is Stanley Steamer the Carpet Cleaner!!!!!!”
After the initial heart stopping paralysis wore off as we watched in disbelief the Cabernet turning our ecru carpet a lovely shade of burgundy, we flew to our rug cleaning arsenal: Paper towels, club soda and the miracle stain remover, Ultra Pink. We sopped up as much wine as we could…and then sprayed the miracle cleaner all over, which turned out to be not so miraculous on red wine. It turned the stains Prussian blue. (And in case you are unfamiliar with the color Prussian blue, it’s decorator talk for Smurf!) YIKES!!!!
We raced to the food store and….enter the Rug Doctor!!!! What a wonderful machine! We not only cleaned up the red wine mess…but went on to clean our bedroom, hall and bathroom rugs. It did a wonderful job and after close inspection…I am pleased to say, no bed bugs or roaches were seen in the clean up effort. And everything smells wonderful!
Afterwards, we decided to pour ourselves a glass of wine.
We’re seriously thinking of switching to Chardonnay.
The Mayo Clinic had an article the other day on snoring. They suggested the following:
2. To stay off your back, try sleeping in a tight fitting T-shirt with a tennis ball sewn or attached to the back. This uncomfortable trick will remind you to roll over.
3. Raise up the head of your bed by about four inches.
Personally, I think a well placed pillow over the snorer works best!
